I remember one time I got embarrassed because a plane passed overhead and I had my shirt off in the pool in my backyard.
I have no desire to compare myself to others. I only compare myself now to my older self to see my progress towards becoming a better being.
I’ve never liked spy movies, and I have no interest in trying to decode what all your mixed messages mean. Paging Agent Cody Banks.
You've never sent your little cousin or brother in to the bakery to buy a chocolate starfish? That's a shame.
One time I was sitting in a meeting and an old man wrote me a note that said, ‘you are a writer’, and to this day it was one of the most profound gifts anyone has ever given me.
I volunteered to be the 4th grade room mom, if you were wondering what kind of masochist I am.
Honestly I’d really like to live the rest of my life with you in it.
Instead of sucking on tits, I am writing this stupid fucking tweet instead, I hope all of you are happy now!!!
Is there a buzzfeed quiz that will tell me if I’m hungry or just horny
Finally a size chart that understands mepic.twitter.com/Oox9lPHKFc
Me: “What if cancel culture had a mascot called the Cancel Vulture?” Therapist: “We need to change your meds again.”
Flat Stanley: the teenage years Mrs Lambchop: "Stanley? Where are you?" Stanley: (from inside Victoria's Secret catalog in magazine rack): "Uh... Nowhere! I'm... reading. Just erm... Just gimme a minute, Mom!"
Canadians apologize for just about everything. It seems to be our thing. And if we don't apologize at least 10 times a day we may lose our citizenship
Tonight I'm getting high and making bad decisions.... *winks... Hold imaginary phone to ear* Call me